So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You need a sexual gate keeper
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
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