Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Randomize
