why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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