My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
