I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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