Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
