you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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