Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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