she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
