her facebook's as public as her vagina
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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