i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
