I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
