Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
so much tequila, so little girl.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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