you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
