This dress was meant to end up on your floor
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
