then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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