Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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