There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
