I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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