my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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