i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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