i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
