i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
