Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
