Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
