She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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