I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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