Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I skipped work to stalk him.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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