Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
