Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
