ya dads aren't the best wingmen
he thought i was a dude.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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