did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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