I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
