Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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