I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
