You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
