P.S. I can't hear my feet
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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