FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
