my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
