why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
