I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize