i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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