Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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