i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
