does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
