I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
