Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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