You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
