The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i'm not sure what happened. i know i woke up on the floor of his bathroom, then had morning sex with him. dont remember getting to his apt. dont remember much.
morning sex?... maybe not a total mistake then? he seems like a normal person, so rare at BU
oh no, he's far from normal. i know his high school girlfriend. she's CRAZY. and he definitely deals prescription drugs. also. he had sex with me even though i slept on his bathroom floor.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
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