i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
