i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
