I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
