When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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