I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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