Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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