Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
