My girlfriend figured out who you are.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Randomize
