I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
